A sordid assortment of synopses

Kay, so I have decided that one thing this blog needs more of is Twilight and its affiliates. More specifically to this blogpost: New Moon.

I watched it for the second time last night (or night before last or . . . something . . . time sorta blends together when you avoid doing homework as fastidiously as I am wont to do . . .), and I will be watching it again on Saturday.

Before I move on to my overall critique, I feel like I should stress that I in no way really support these movies/books. I just . . . and this is hard for me to say . . . I just have an addiction to really crappy entertainment. Crappentainment, I call it.

No I don't. I've never used that word before. But should start.

So. Keeping the above in mind, I have to say that New Moon was an excellent movie, all things considered. And by "all things," I mean compared to Twilight and in light of the fact that they still had to follow Stephenie Meyer's plotline to some degree. Jacob Black, played by that Indian kid with a girl's name, was absurdedly hot, even if he was a little . . . femmy. Great abs, but the perfect tan and the bashful batting eyelashes were a bit much. But that's just me.

Bella was herself. Which I think about covers it. No, never mind. I need to talk about this.

Okay, so her voice. IT IS A MAN'S VOICE WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT? It's at least one octave too low, and so monotone that I have to stare carefully at the screen in certain scenes to make sure that she is, in fact, human and not some poorly-reanimated corpse.

Now, don't get mad at me for this, but her voice also makes her sound mildly retarded. Yes, I just went there. BUT IT DOES, YOU GUYS. IT DOES. At the very least, it's like she has been deaf her entire life and has had to learn to speak through watching people's lips move. Rewatch it with this in mind, and I promise that it will all make sense.

Holy hannah, I bet that she's Helen Keller's poorly-reanimated corpse.

Also, she is just a pathetic creature. Not the kind of pathetic where you're like, "oh, poor baby, come here, I'll take care of you." It's like the same kind of pathetic as Jerry, that alcoholic deadbeat dad who can't pay his child support because he's too busy paying off the loan sharks for the XBox and series of Halo games he bought. It's like, it's sad that Jerry's getting his face carved up and getting hunted down by The Law, but you can't waste your sympathy.

Finally, we come to Edward, who is, mercifully, not there. I freaking love this part. The parts that he is in generally involve hallucinations, screaming, and also Italy. I'm sure you're familiar with the story, so I won't go into too great of detail. Suffice to say that at one point of the movie, Robert Pattinson (who plays Edward) must have gotten jealous of the screen time the Jacob's abs get because he, for no discernible reason, goes shirtless for way too long at the end of the movie.

And by "for way too long," I mean, "for longer than it takes for my occipital lobe to interpret the images I am seeing." Did you know that they actually put makeup on Edward's chest and abdomen to make it look like has muscles??!

I mean, at least Jacob has even a superficial reason for not wearing a shirt: he's a werewolf and his clothes tear off whenever he transforms. Okay. Yes. That makes sense.

But Edward. Shame on him for putting me through that. Haven't my corneas already suffered enough?

And, finally, here's a tidbit of news that is directly related to the Twilight series: Stephenie Meyer is now apparently writing her own fanfiction. It seems like Mrs. Meyer is rewriting her third book, Eclipse, from the point of view from--get this--Bree.

Oh, what's that you say? You don't remember who Bree is? That's okay, no one else does either. FYI, she's the girl who Victoria turns into a vampire. We meet her for like three pages and then the Volturi say something like "Nits breed lice," and snap her friggin' head off. And that's it. That's all we get from Bree.

My roommate, Rachel, suggested that they make a movie from this new version of the book. She also suggested that the only speaking part Bree (who is crazed from bloodlust for the duration of the period we see her and who is, presumably, even crazier when she's first turned) could reasonably be expected to have would go something like this:

"Om nom nom."

She could say it forcefully or bashfully or whatever. But since she's a new vampire, the only thing she's really concerned with is eating people.

And, after reading all this, I really hope that you'll go out and watch New Moon and/or write some Twilight fanfiction. Let me know how that goes.