Weekly Song Breakdown: Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night"

Let me first start by saying that while last week I was writing about a song that I had initially liked but had been ruined by mainstream media, this week I am writing about a total abomination that makes baby alpacas cry and if you like it then you are probably a terrible person.

P.S. I hate Alpacas, but that's neither here nor there, really.

Anyway. I hate Katy Perry in general; I think she's a skanky, talentless attention whore with awful style and worse taste in men. And I hate her music in general. So when she came out with this new song, "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F)" I figured it would be pretty ugly.

I had no idea.

Quite apart from the rampant immorality and lack of any reality whatsoever, this song lauds and encourages property damage, alcoholism, and spending addictions.

It is the property damage and total costs of the activities in this song that I want to address primarily.

Let's begin.

Here's the first verse:

There's a stranger in my bed
There's a pounding in my head
Glitter all over the room
Pink flamingos in the pool
I smell like a mini-bar
DJ's passed out in the yard
Barbies on the barbeque
Is this a hickey or a bruise?

So a stranger in her bed. Nice. I'm assuming they had sex, and, judging by her other decision making skills, I'm assuming it was unprotected sex with an STD-ridden hobo. Now, according to CBS news, the average lifetime cost for HIV/AIDS is $618,900. So we're already off to a great start.

Next we have a DJ passed out in her yard. Good, well-known DJs cost at least $2000 for a couple of hours, so let's bump it up to $3000 (as you'll see later in the song, Katy Perry has no qualms about maxing out her credit cards).

Total costs so far: $621,900.

"Barbie's on the barbecue"? Is that like some kind of code or something? Or did they literally put a plastic Barbie doll on a barbecue? Hang on, I'll look it up.

Nope, nothin'. Does anyone know? Please tell me. Please. I need to know.

Okay, so now we move on to:

Last Friday night
Yeah, we danced on table tops
And we took too many shots
Think we kissed, but I forgot
Last Friday night
Yeah, we maxxed our credit cards
And got kicked out of the bars
So we hit the boulevard
Last Friday night
We went streaking in the park
Skinny-dipping in the dark
Then had a ménage à trois
Last Friday night
Yeah, I think we broke the law
Always say we're gonna stop, a-woah
This Friday night, do it all again (do it all again)

So they "took too many shots." I don't drink, so I don't know how many is "too many," but judging by the number of people die from alcohol poisoning on their 21st birthday for doing 21 shots, I'll just go with that number. I am given to understand that shots at an upscale L.A. bar cost about $15 each, so let's give this little section a total of $315, and that's assuming that Katy Perry paid only for her own shots. Let's go with that, because $315 is about how much I pay for rent every month and it sickens me that she'd spend that in one night on alcohol.

Okay, now we come to one of the clinchers that made this song the next one I broke down. She "maxxed out her credit card." Oh. My. Heck. Do you know how ridiculously high a credit limit someone like Katy Perry would have? According to my research, it'd be something like ONE. MILLION. DOLLARS. Even if she could pay that off within a few months, the interest would be INSANE, something like $24,093.

This brings our total up to $646,308. Appalling.

But wait! There's more!

Next we've got: they went "streaking in the park, skinny dipping in the dark." She says "I think we broke the law." You THINK? Try, you DID. Streaking is a class B misdemeanor, and if she didn't get jail time, she'd be paying at least $3000 for bail and the fine.

And finally, we have another one of the main reasons this song is an affront to decency everywhere: she's going to "do it all again" next Friday. All. Again. Next. Week.

Even with the exception of contracting yet another STD, that means she'll still be paying about $30,408 every week, and that's assuming she doesn't have to get treated for alcohol poisoning or go into rehab or pay successively more and more for public streaking until it's 15 in prison.

Okay, this is getting emotionally exhausting, so here's the last verse:

Trying to connect the dotsDon't know what to tell my bossThink the city towed my carChandelier is on the floorRipped my favorite party dressWarrants out for my arrestThink I need a ginger aleThat was such an epic fail
"Don't know what to tell my boss." So, she lost her job. She has no source of income to pay off this horrendous amount of wasted money. Fine.
The city towed her car. That's at least $150. It's CA and they're desperate for cash, so we'll double it. $300. The chandelier is on the floor. IF she replaces it, that will probably cost like $4000. And she ripped her favorite party dress. Judging by celebrities' wardrobe costs, let's chalk that up to another $4000, and that's being kind.
Warrants out for her arrest. Probably for streaking. I'm not even going to get into that.
She needs a ginger ale. That's pretty acceptable. $1.50.
Total: $657,609.50.
One-time AIDS cost: $618,900.
Costs per week: $38,709.50.
I don't . . . I don't even know what to say to that. ESPECIALLY since she's apparently lost her job and has no way of paying for all this. I'm disgusted.
And that's why I'll throw a party when Katy Perry eventually goes the way of Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears and winds up in rehab and prison. Good riddance.