The Weekly Breakdown: Adele

Okay, guys, I've been doing some out of the box thinking lately, and I thought that I'd share my powerful and poignant insights with all of you, because that's what I do. I'm a giver.

Anyway, I was listening to the radio the other day when Adele's "Someone Like You" came on. My first thought, of course, was, "Oh for #&$*%'s sake, not this again." I started out really liking it, but I unfortunately made the mistake of liking a song before mainstream media got ahold of it, so by the time I got sick of it, the radio people decided it was cool enough to play 3 times an hour, every hour.

At any rate, I didn't change the station because I was seriously just that lazy, plus I was merging and you know how Utah drivers are (if you don't, count your many blessings). So I listened to it, and as I did, a disturbing trend emerged, resulting in the following insight:

Adele is a creepy, psycho stalker.

Let's break this thing down, shall we?

Start with the first couple of stanzas:

I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

So far so good. She's reminiscing, presumably to her audience (us), or maybe is, like, facebooking the guy. It's a little accusatory with the "guess she gave you things I didn't give to you," but it's still acceptable. Then we move on to:

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Wait, wait, wait. Seriously? She just told us, just above, that this guy is married now. So we can probably assume that they've been broken up for quite some time now. And in response to that, Adele is actually surprised that this guy is "so shy"? When she's showing up "out of the blue uninvited"?

So let me get this straight. She and this guy date, they break up (who knows why) (probably because she's a creepy stalker), and he moves on like a normal person. So he gets married, and they lose communication. So then, probably years later, maybe this guy even has a kid (see "she gave you things I couldn't give to you" line above), Adele shows up out of freaking nowhere because she, and I quote, "couldn't stay away, couldn't fight it." The whole purpose of her visit is to get him to "see [her] face and be reminded that for [her] it isn't over."

I've got news for you, Adele. This guy has a family now. He's moved on, it's probably been years since he's even thought about you. And you decide to show up (maybe ambushing him at work?) (or stalking him to his car?) (with a rag of chloroform and a nightstick?), uninvited and tell him that it isn't over?

Oh, honey, it's over. Way over. Like, a judge with a restraining order over.

And this is all bad enough, but then she has the gall to say, and I quote:

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I begged
I remember you said,

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

So she came all this way just to tell him that she's moving on? That's pretty sad. It screams of a desperate need to be approved of. And she tells him that she wishes nothing but the best for him? After he's already forgotten about her? I promise that he doesn't care what you say, Adele. And yeah, I bet he won't forget about you now. You come to his door after years of absence and beg him to take you back. He's not likely to forget that. He's more likely to need therapy after you tracked him down like a wild animal to first beg and then imperiously inform him that you're going to move on.

So that's why I think that Adele is a freaky stalker who writes music that must haunt her exes. (And yes, it's "exes," not "ex's," since the apostrophe s implies ownership and even though I bet Adele would love implied ownership in this case, unfortunately for her, it still doesn't make much sense."

There you go. One beloved song crushed AND a grammar lesson all in one. You're welcome.